It's A...BOY?!

As you may have read in previous posts regarding my pregnancy and birth, we were expecting a girl until the moment our amazing little boy was born. And yes, we were told girl by the ultrasound technician and, while I didn't specifically ask for a confirmation by the OB/GYN we were seeing for the first 30 weeks, she seemed to agree.

Now, my one fear in writing this post is that someday, maybe, our E will read it and I don't want him to think for a fraction of a fraction of a second that we wished he were someone else. Because, E...oh my word I cannot describe the joy you have brought into our lives. You have truly taught me what unconditional loves means and your father and I adore you. We love you more than can ever be described and we always will. No. Matter. What. And the second you were born, my mind was flooded with images of us doing all the fun "boy stuff" with you!. I know your dad can't wait to teach you all of the fun "manly stuff" he loves to do. You are so loved my little man.

Original photo taken by: Dana Marie Photography

Before we decided to try to start our family, we knew that we both liked the name Lily for a girl. My husband's grandmother was Lilyan, and I just always thought it was a sweet name. So to spice it up a bit, we decided if we had a girl we would name her Lilyana (pronounced Lily-Ann-Uh). After finding out we were expecting, we started looking through names for a boy since we already had a girl name decided. We both taught middle school (well my husband still teaches) and have worked with children for quite a few years now. We all know boys are a bit more, shall we say, "rambunctious" so deciding on a boy name was tough. I'd like one, then he'd say "No can't do it" and vice versa. Shortly before our 20 week ultrasound, a co-worker of my husband's mentioned a name and we loved it. In the waiting room before the 20-week ultrasound, we decided that'd be it if we had a boy.

To back up a little, I grew up quite a tom-boy and while I enjoy a glass of wine with the girls now and then and grew up with Barbie, I'm more of a whiskey and beer and campfire kind of gal. I like physical hard work, love to build things, and have a little destructive side. So I always thought I'd have to have boys because I wouldn't know what to do with a girl. My husband on the other hand, who is as manly as they come, thought he'd have to have a girl because he always had a harder time with boys when it came to supervising and such. There are not many girls on his side of the family. Not any in fact, younger than his aunts until our niece was born a couple of years ago. So I guess you could say some were "hoping" for a girl, if for nothing else than variety and buying pink things. I just wanted our baby, but if you asked me before our ultrasound, I said we were "hoping" for a girl, but I thought boy.

When we were told girl, it didn't feel real to me. To the point it made me worry that I wasn't connected to my baby. I had looked up photos of ultrasounds to see what a girl would look like (I think we know what a boy looks like) in an ultrasound photo. When I saw our baby on the screen and she said girl, I doubted her. My momma-gut didn't feel right and I only saw two little lines (which we'd later find out was the outline of a boy). But we left and soon began telling family and friends that we were expecting a Lilyana.

People would ask if we knew the gender and had a name picked out and when I would answer, again it didn't feel right. No doubt I was excited to be having a baby, but saying girl felt weird. Saying Lily felt weird. So then I doubted our name choice a little bit thinking maybe that was it. Maybe this just wasn't a Lily (well I was right about that I guess!). Then I worried that I wasn't bonding with our unborn baby. Then I decided it was all poppycock and that I wouldn't feel that strong bond until "she" was born and I stopped beating myself up about it. Still, saying girl didn't feel right.

Then we had our pink owl-themed baby shower and got lots of adorable dresses and outfits. I loved everything and honestly still have all of it in case we have a girl the next time around. (Maybe I'll just make the photos of the shower black and white for his baby book :-P) Other than clothes, all of the "gear" we registered for was gender-neutral since we plan to have more than one child. But again, something was gnawing at me and I again chalked it up to being a first time mom and hormones.

Then, at 42 weeks, labor began and we prepared to meet our little one. Labor was intense and while I know I didn't think so right afterwards (I blame the Pitocin), I loved it. Because of the meconium in my water when it broke 19 hours prior to our E being born, I didn't get him on my chest right away. He was being suctioned right next to me and I was in a whirlwind spinning through what just happened. I pushed out a baby, it took a couple of hours, but I did it. Go me! Then I hear a little commotion and our wonderful doula leans over the bed and asked, "What were you expecting again?" with a bit of a giggle as I recall, and then there was an "It's a boy!" and an uproar of laughter from the nurses. And me saying to myself, "I KNEW IT!" And our sweet midwife saying..."Oh yeah! I just remembered thinking 'be careful when cutting the cord.'" lol...Then I pulled out a green hat I had packed (along with a gender-neutral onesie) just in case.

So we pulled out the name we'd decided on 22 weeks prior and it fits him perfectly :) I didn't know this at the time, but my husband later told me that asking if I wanted his name to be our son's middle name meant a lot to him. I thought we'd discussed it but apparently I never said it out loud. Yay for sweet moments <3

In the days following the birth, I was so happy. Tired and sore, but happy. I actually loved the surprise. I mean, even if you don't find out with an ultrasound, you know you'll get one or the other. When you are told one and get the other, that's even more of a surprise. I love surprises. I am not one to snoop for gifts or try to get hints. So in retrospect, I'm not sure why I really wanted to find out the gender. I remember thinking it would help me bond with the baby, and we know that didn't work. (Not that I didn't bond with him during pregnancy...feeling those kicks and squirms is priceless).

Then came that moment of a slight feeling of loss. A few days after the birth, our doula stopped by for her post-partum visit and asked if we felt a sense of loss and how things were going. At that point I was still in phase one mentioned above and told her things were great. But a few days, or maybe weeks, later it hit me one night. I believe it was after I put all of our girl clothes away. Doing that made me feel like I was saying good-bye even though a daughter never existed.  I was holding E in bed staring at his tiny sweetness and started crying. Not bawling, but there were tears. When  my husband asked what was wrong, the flood gates opened. I was more upset because I felt good ol' fashioned momma guilt. I needed my tiny moment to "grieve". A moment I didn't think I would need. And because I had that moment, I felt tremendous guilt. As I mentioned earlier, I didn't for a second want E to feel we ever thought we didn't want him. I couldn't bear the thought and I still can't.

So the tears came because I felt a moment of loss. It was brief but it hit me. Then more tears came because as I said to my husband that night, "I don't want him to ever think we didn't want him. A part of me just feels that we lost a daughter." That was my moment and I'm glad I let myself have it because as much as I loved and adored him before that, it opened me up even more to truly soak in that I have a son. I should say that more often. I have a son, a sweet, hilarious, smart, adorable little son. I wouldn't change a thing and my husband says more and more how excited he is to share all of his manly hobbies with him (not that he couldn't share them with a girl...but how many girls do you know that are into ham radio?).

So what did this experience teach me? First and foremost: Trust your gut! Secondly, I can't think of another true surprise we are given in life. I know people find out for different reasons and of course your choice is your choice, go you! But we will not be finding out the gender in the future. We may not even get an ultrasound in the future. I loved the surprise and don't want to spoil it. Like I said, it's really the only one we get. Even better, we have a bin of both boy and girl newborn clothes, socks, booties and hats so we are ready for #2 no matter what! It also taught me that you can spend weeks preparing clothes, getting everything washed and organized. This isn't a bad thing, but I found that it isn't something to stress over. I had to do that all over again after E was born and we were blessed with many gifts of boy's newborn and 3 month clothing and it was no big deal. If you have the time to nest like that, do it, but don't stress over it. All they really need is you, diapers, blankets, and maybe a hat or two. The rest is extra. Really all of it is extra, all they really need is you <3

Did you find out the gender of your baby, or are you planning to? Have you been surprised like we were? I'd love for you to share your story with us in the comments!

4th Trimester Reflections

Our little man is 10 days away from turning 5 months old. 5 months...that's almost 6...which is half of a year. Holy cow. Time really does fly, and I cherish my memories of his newborn days. I won't say I miss them, because I choose to live in the present. I like it here. I look at photos and videos and get teary and say "awwww" a lot, but I am so proud of the little man he is already becoming. I am extremely grateful that I am able to stay home with my little man and not miss a thing. I have always been the super sappy sentimental type and don't think I would handle being away from him very well (I am not saying anything negative here about moms who go back to work...hell, I wouldn't have a job without you. You are tough and doing what you need to do for your family, go you!). But enough about being sappy, let's move on to some reminiscing...

I'd read a bit about the "4th trimester" and thought it was interesting that it was called that. I had read it was because they do so much growing & developing in those first 3 months after birth. I'd also read the theory that since we evolved and began walking upright, it decreased pelvic/birth canal size so babies had to be born "before they were ready." Now, they are saying metabolism may have something to do with it. But anywho...needless to say babies are helpless little things when they are born. Adorable, sweet, dependent, tiny (usually) little things who peck around like little birds looking for momma's milk. Sigh that was my favorite. I didn't have much experience with newborns before having our little one. In fact, in the hospital when I was working on establishing nursing, I made a nurse help me rotate him to the other side because I thought I was going to break him (and to my credit had zero core strength and was at an awkward angle). My husband was a champ those first couple of days. I'm sure he was nervous but he hid it well, changing his first diaper and getting him in his first onesie. I was impressed because I was feeling about as physically helpless as our newborn (damn Pitocin...I blame you). E looked ridiculously tiny in his car seat and I just couldn't wait to get him safely into our home.

The next day after bringing him home, we had to take him to see his pediatrician (I delivered an hour away so we had the hospital pediatrician check him out, but then needed to see ours). So back into the carseat he went and on to that germ infested doctor's office (eep!). It was in those fluorescent lights in the office that we realized he was quite yellow. Then we discussed his potty patterns and while he did poop (in utero, and shortly after birth), he hadn't pooped in a couple of days nor had he peed much, if at all. So within about a 10 minute window, we were told that he was starving (I'm exaggerating of course) and jaundice and not knowing much about it at the time, I broke down in tears and just wanted our baby to be ok. Our sweet nurse practitioner reassured me that he'd be fine, they just want to see him pooping because that helps get the excess bilirubin out of his system. So then came the formula to supplement until my milk came in. I hate this part. Nothing against moms who choose or have to use formula...it just isn't what I wanted for my baby. I will say, after seeing his sense of satisfaction after that first bottle (which he took like a pro) I felt fine about it. It wasn't until later on that I wish one of us would have slowed down to think rationally and at least choose an organic formula. But what's done is done and he's healthy and nurses very well and hasn't had formula since. So like I said earlier, no living in the past.

After being in our local hospital under the lights for less than 24 hours, frequently nursing, then taking a bottle after, he was given the ok to go home since his levels were back to normal. Finally we could go home and stay home with our little man. My husband teaches and took two weeks off (it's only his second year so he didn't want to take too much time, but we timed it right because he only had to go back for a week after his leave was up and then it was summer!). I loved having him home with us.

So as I mentioned earlier, newborns are helpless little things, and that's no big news. They're kind of known for it. So now it was time to settle into our new lives as parents and work on getting into some kind of routine. He slept a lot, usually on me or his daddy, nursed well, and smiled in his sleep often. So stinkin' cute. He is still an extremely happy and smiley baby. He also went through a lot of diapers...We had some Naty disposable diapers that we were using up and a few days in, when I was more comfortable getting up and walking around, I decided to start using our cloth newborn stash. We had bought a stash of Kissaluvs fitteds and various covers from a friend. And wouldn't you know it, in his first cloth diaper he finally took his first poo since the hospital. Yay!

I swear it was the day he turned 3 months old that I had a rough day accepting that he was no longer a newborn. Suddenly he wanted to stand or sit up all the time and be a big boy. He wasn't content laying down in momma's lap anymore. But then he would get hungry and sleepy and need me to soothe him. Then I remembered, "Oh yeah, he still needs me. And he will for quite awhile." Not that I didn't have a ton of fun with him in those first few months, but the bigger he got, the more smiley, responsive and fun he became. I know my husband had a hard time, as many do. He didn't feel that he could do much to help him, which maybe directly he can't because all baby really wants is mom & milk. But he made sure I had food and water, which I needed more of than I ever thought I would. He was awesome and for any dads feeling the same way, he is having a blast with him these days :)

In those first few months, they can't reach out (at least not in a controlled way) to grab their toys or you (omg...when they reach out and touch your face the first time...oh man. Heart melting). They just kind of hang out. Then all of a sudden I find myself thinking of what I can do to entertain him. He holds himself up playing with his Zany Zoo (with our help of course) and loves books (he started staring at them at just a few days old...especially Look, Look!). And man is he ticklish! He also travels very well and is a breeze to take anywhere, especially if I wear him in my Moby wrap. He just hangs out, looks around, and naps when he gets sleepy.

So if you have a newborn yourself, maybe you are struggling feeling like it will never end. It will, hang in there! And for those of you who enjoyed it as much as I did and are missing it, I hear ya, but aren't they so much fun now? I've said it before, live in the present, take lots of pictures, and cherish these moments and look back with a smile :)

My Birth Story: Part 2 - The Birth!

In case you missed it, check back to Part 1 to read about how we assembled our birth team. I can't stress how important it is to be surrounded by people you trust when natural birth is your goal. Our doula wrote us a wonderful birth story detailing times and events, but that is going to stay in our private album. This is my story as I recall it:

Our Doula brought me a rose at the beginning of labor, which was in full bloom by the birth!

 When I was past 41 weeks, I looked back at the calendar and my trusty iPeriod app and thought that maybe my due date was actually a week off. I planned to bring this up with my midwives at the next appointment when I knew they may begin talking induction. They "let" you go to 42 weeks as long as everything looks good and baby is healthy, but I was getting close to that cut off date. And as long as baby was doing well, I wanted to let things begin on their own if I could help it. At our next appointment, the midwife I was seeing that day actually brought up the possibility of my due date being off before I mentioned anything. This was a big relief! Because I have a 35 day cycle instead of the usual 28, she said it could throw off the due date by standard calculations. My babies will probably just need to hang out a little longer :)

So we had to drive out to the midwife office (about an hour away) for NST's a few times. At 41 weeks and 5 days, I had a scheduled appointment for an NST that evening. That morning, I was chatting with our doula, Donna, and letting her know I felt something now and then, but nothing strong or regular. I told her I was going to go to some grocery shopping to stock up before baby arrived. When I was getting back in my car after shopping, I thought I felt something and then a little "trickle"...omg! Did my water just break?! So I called Donna back and told her. She said I should call the midwives and let them know and that they could check to see if it was amniotic fluid when I went in for my appointment.

Now, water breaking may be an exciting sign, but I was also a bit nervous. Unlike Hollywood would like us to believe, your water isn't meant to break until the baby is on its way out or even after. Water breaking before real contractions begin is called PROM, or premature rupture of the membranes. Most OB/GYN's will want you to come in right away for monitoring and probably induce you because baby has to be delivered now! Unless you have signs of infection...not true. My midwife told me she would check when I came in later that day, no rush. Just in case, we took our bags with us. When I went in, she checked my fluid and while there was something "leaking," it wasn't amniotic fluid. So onto the NST I went. It picked up some regular contractions (about 5min apart) but they were fairly weak. I would describe them as a light menstrual cramp, sometimes I hardly felt anything at all.

This is where things blend together...these may have been separate NST's but to shorten a long story a bit, this is how I'll tell it. The midwife wasn't loving the lack of variations in the last NST I took, so she wanted me to stay on it a bit longer and we had to go to the hospital because the midwife office was closing. So over to the hospital we went and I was hooked up to the monitor there (when the baby moves and it doesn't pick up the heart beat anymore is SCARY when they don't tell you that could happen, btw!). Our midwife came in later because I was having more regular and somewhat more painful contractions, so this seemed like the real deal. She checked me and I was only about 50% effaced but at 4cm and she said she would consider me to be in early labor! She wanted us to stay in the area for the night, so we went to Nick's cousin's house nearby and stayed in their guest room (while I was sleeping on a waterproof sheet from the hospital so I didn't ruin their mattress if my water really broke - You're welcome :-P).

I felt contractions through the night, but again nothing strong and I was able to get lots of sleep. The next day, we took a LONG walk around their town to see if it would keep things going since the contractions seemed to have stopped. I went in for another NST that afternoon and everything looked fine, but no news as far as contractions went. So we went home later that day (41 weeks, 6 days). I felt contractions again that evening, but far apart and not very strong. So we watched a movie and then went to bed. I woke up a few times throughout the night from contractions but got a good amount of rest.

At 5am, I decided I was awake and needed to get up. I got myself some breakfast, I believe yogurt and cereal, and sat on my exercise ball watching TV. Contractions were much stronger but still no big deal pain-wise. There would be a giant full moon that night, and I'd joked for weeks that that's what my body was waiting for. Then, the next contraction started and I felt a pop and the beginning of a gush. I waddled quickly to the bathroom (walking by the bedroom door and telling Nick my water broke). Luckily I was wearing a pad and made it to the bathroom...no clean up all over the house! I did notice though, that the fluid was quite brown and knew that meant meconium was in it. For some reason this was one thing I had not read up on so I was worried. I called our doula and told her and she did her best to reassure me that it may not be meconium (I even texted her a picture...hopefully she deleted that by now). She didn't want me to panic so she sweetly stayed optimistic and said it didn't look dark enough, but to call the midwife and let them know.

Nick called the midwife office for me and because they knew I was already at 4cm (you have to be 4cm to be admitted), it was my choice if I wanted to labor more at home or come in right away. Because of the chance of meconium and being an hour away, I decided I wanted to get in now. Nick was getting our bags in the car (again) and I had the first doozy since my water broke. The amniotic sac cushions the baby's head a bit as it is pushing on your cervix, causing dilation. Without that cushion, it can get more painful (and also cause uneven effacement...yay! Although I also hear your water breaking later in labor is a huge relief of pressure). And the water kept on coming. It felt like I was constantly peeing my pants. Not fun. During that first contraction, I was kneeling on the bench at our dining room table and Nick came back in and I scared the $%#@ out of him, saying, "I don't know if I can do this." He squeezed my hips to help with the pain (hip squeezes are the BEST!) and reassured me that I could do this.

I'm SO glad we decided to get to the hospital earlier because the contractions in the car weren't bad at all...this was the one thing I was worried about being so far away. (Normally, if you want a natural birth at a hospital, it is suggested that you labor as long as possible at home. This helps prevent doctors from getting impatient. "Oh it's too late to give me an epidural? oopsy!"). When we got to the hospital, we went and checked in and got put into a triage room. Since I wasn't in "active labor" yet and contractions weren't horribly painful, the triage room was fine with me. If I had been further along, it would have sucked because they are tiny and there isn't much room for movement. Contractions were getting more painful, and our doula walked in the room, bringing with her a huge wave of relief. My husband is awesome, but we both loved having someone so experienced with a familiar face there.

 
I can't recall exactly what happened between the triage and labor & delivery rooms. It was in my "plan" to go to the ABC (Alternative Birthing Center) but I believe because I wasn't in active labor yet, we went to a regular L&D room. Shorty after, my mom arrived and it was a comfort just to have her in the room. I didn't feel a lot of pressure from our midwife, but did know that she wanted me to deliver within the 18 hour window before we risked the baby aspirating meconium. Our midwife exhausted natural options to move labor along. She had me on a breast pump. After that didn't seem to be working, she had my doula run to Whole Foods to pick up black & blue cohosh (and lunch for my hubby). While she was gone, I got in the shower and the heat was wonderful relief. I was doing squats in the shower to try to help move baby down. When our doula got back, I took cohosh every 15 minutes or so, and I do think contractions started picking up but they still weren't very close together. So here is where my totally "unmedicated" birth ended. I was put on an IV with a drip of Pitocin. It was something I agreed to with some resistance because I was worried about the baby (for good reason).

It can't be proven, because every birth experience is so different, but supposedly Pitocin makes contractions much more painful, and many times lead to an epidural and further intervention. I'm very happy and proud to say this was not the case with me. I can't cite it, but I have read that only 2% of women who are put on Pitocin end up delivering without an epidural. It makes me feel like a rock star, so let's go with it.

My husband and doula were wonderful in helping me work through the contractions which were growing stronger and closer together. Hip squeezes were my favorite and I stayed wrapped in a blanket because I was so cold, and I think it helped make me feel safe. It was my cocoon. Time blended together and I ignored the clock most of the time (which is a very good idea ladies!). I spent a lot of time on an egg shaped birth ball. At one point, which I remember clearly, I was on a birthing stool (like a toilet seat) rocking through each contraction, putting pressure on my tail bone. (That pressure was awesome during contractions but my tail bone was SORE for a few days after the birth). I was falling asleep in between the peaks of what was apparently 30 minutes of back-to-back contractions while my Pitocin was adjusted. I can't really tell you what I thought about or did, but I just rocked and that rhythm and pressure helped me relax.

At some point while I was on the birth ball, eyes closed working through contractions, my husband quietly told me that our midwife was knitting behind me. This scene still brings a tear to my eye. Lights dim, faux candle flickering. I open my eyes and see my husband in front of me and our doula next to me. I turn my head to look at our midwife and see her knitting while my mom is behind her crocheting an afghan for my closest cousin's wedding gift. This is one of my clearest memories and an image I will never forget. I remember thinking, "This is how it should be."

I believe it was after this that we found the coping mechanism I'd use the rest of the labor. Low "ooo"s through contractions. Not yelling or screaming, but low controlled moans. I am a rather reserved person and this was the last thing I thought I'd do. My husband and doula both helped me find the right "voice" some time after I got out of that 30 minute trance. My midwife suggested changing positions so I got up and moved around. At some point I ended up on the bed. She checked my progress and said I was 10cm, but that there was a cervical lip, and she wanted to see if she could get baby's head past the lip. So she asked me to push while she did this. WORST. PAIN. EVER. It was definitely the most uncomfortable part of the entire thing. But like everything else, this too shall pass, and I literally pushed through it.

I was asked to begin pushing before I really had the urge, but again we were starting to get on a bit of a time constraint (that darn meconium!). So I pushed. I couldn't tell if I was accomplishing anything, but my midwife at least made me think that I was. Time went by and baby moved down. My midwife tactfully threatened needing to call the OB for a vacuum extraction just as I was losing steam. I got a second wind and pushed, which by now I definitely had the natural urge to do and it was SUCH a relief to be able to be doing something through each contraction. I got in 3 good pushes through most of them.

Now baby was close, but I needed to get his head past my pelvic bone. I keep pushing and again there was a point where things were a bit stuck and my midwife said if the baby weren't born soon, that she may just have to cut an episiotomy and "get this baby out." The midwife practice only had a 2% episiotomy rate and other than a C-section, this was something I was pretty afraid of. It was the one thing about birth that would get me light headed during my pregnancy. So I pushed and our wonderful doula basically taught me how to push baby out. Our midwife was great about applying oil and pressure to help me not tear (as much). She, my husband, doula, and nurse were all great cheerleaders as baby crowned.

At some point near delivery, baby's heart rate dipped and I was put on Oxygen. I was kind of in my own little world then and I knew I was on it but no one let me know why. Which was a good thing, and baby's heart rate went right back up, but my poor hubby was terrified all on his own in that moment. Then, with my husband holding one leg, and our doula holding the other (both taking turns with the nurse I believe) and after about 2.5 hours of pushing, I pushed and out came baby's head! One more push and out came baby's body! I didn't feel the anticipated "ring of fire." I felt some pain but it wasn't bad at all compared to the contractions I'd been enduring. In fact, the first thing I said after the birth was, "That wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be."

Now this is something that still bothers me, but it is in the past and we have a beautiful healthy baby: Because of the meconium, 18 hours is said to be the amount of time that baby should be delivered in. From what I'm told, I was in the hospital for about 17 hours until delivery and my water had broken almost 2 hours before that. So we cut it close. Instead of letting the cord stop pulsing, it had to be cut right away and baby was taken to the warmer (next to me) to be suctioned. That hospital apparently didn't have the portable warmers that could have allowed the cord to stay in tact. I am happy with the birth and truly believe that I would have ended up fighting a C-section anywhere else, but I feel a bit robbed that I didn't get that moment of baby on my chest right after birth. I am extremely grateful, however, that I did get that moment shortly afterwards, and baby never needed to go to the NICU (which is common with babies born with meconium in the water).

While baby was being suctioned and checked (we declined the eye drops but did get the vitamin K shot because I pushed for so long), our doula leaned over and asked us, "What were you expecting again?" And I said,"A girl..." and the room filled with laughs as we were told "It's a boy!" Yup, the ultrasound tech was wrong! But I honestly was not that surprised. I had a feeling. With all of the girly newborn hats we had, something made me bring a plain green one, too. And up until that ultrasound, I could have sworn we were having a boy. Luckily, we had decided on a boy's name. I just felt it. But that's for another post...

My mom came by the bed and everyone praised how amazing I was. (Soak it in ladies, you are amazing!) Our little man scored an APGAR of 6 and then 9 while I delivered the placenta, and I was finally able to hold my little 7lb 6oz son. I say finally, but it was probably 5 minutes. It felt like forever! He seemed so small and so fragile. The L&D room was quite large, but in that moment my entire world was in that bed, alternating stares at my baby and husband. I just stared at my baby while I ignored being stitched up (2nd degree tearing) and my husband and I welcomed our little E into the world. So much love in that room. 

*Photos by Donna Rigert*

_____________________________________________________________

Posts to come in Pregnancy & Birth: The Best & Worst of Labor & Delivery, Post-partum & recovery tips, Fourth Trimester Reflection, It's A...BOY!?

My Birth Story: Part 1 - Assembling the Team

Our little man is just over 3 months old now and I finally feel ready to sit down and write our birth story. My birth plan kind of went out the window and I needed time to reflect and take it all in. There were a couple of things I needed to accept in the midst of all of the joy, pride, and love. Part 1 of my story goes over how we came to assemble our "team," which is very important if you want a natural birth. If you or someone you know is getting ready to give birth, particularly if they are on a journey towards a natural, unmedicated birth, I hope you will read and share my story. As much as I read and researched, I think reading others' stories helped and empowered me the most. 

Long before I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to give birth without an epidural or any other "drugs". The reasons for this evolved throughout my pregnancy. Originally, it was because the idea of a giant needle in my spine frightened me more than the idea of pain during labor. I think that was because, deep down, I was never afraid of giving birth. After the initial "holy crap, we're pregnant?!" shock, I looked forward to giving birth. One night, we were browsing Netflix and came across The Business of Being Born. My husband and I both soaked it all in. I couldn't believe what the medical world had done to this natural and amazing act that women have been performing since the beginning of time. But I have to say, I was almost guilty of falling into the medical trap that is today's idea of birth in the US.

A couple of weeks after the positive pregnancy test, I called up my OB/GYN thinking that's what you were supposed to do. The receptionist informed me that I would have to see all 6 doctors in the practice and any one of them could deliver my baby. This made me very uncomfortable so I called another practice. This practice was smaller, with only 2 doctors, both whom were women (I was not ok with the idea of a man delivering our baby. I felt I should be surrounded by women, and my husband, during labor and birth. It's what felt natural to me). I was very comfortable with the one doctor, but not the other. So I decided to just bank on the large chance that my OB would be the one at the birth. Then, we set out to tour the hospital. Once the tour was over and we walked through those exit doors, the tears started falling. I did not feel comfortable there, for a reason I couldn't pin down, but it was a gut feeling. Then, after finding out that hospital has an almost 40% C-section rate, we knew we had to figure something out.

Shortly before that tour, I met with a doula (whom we ended up hiring and LOVE). I told her where we were delivering and she didn't say much about the hospital, but said I was a great candidate for a natural birth and that we'd work out a plan. A couple of months go by, and my OB is out on maternity leave. I met with the nurse practitioner a couple of times, still feeling uneasy. That horrible feeling that you get when you are surrounded by people who think they know better than you do. Of course I didn't go to med school, but when it comes to normal, low-risk pregnancy, I'm telling you I think med school hurts some people more than it helps. Ugh. The day comes where the NP brings up her little check list of things to ask me at the appointment that week. She skims over "birthing classes" saying that with an epidural no one really needs those anymore. I stopped her there and said, "Actually we are planning a natural birth." Her response? And the red flag that caused us to switch practices? "Well, you can always change your mind." And I should add that this woman told me that she didn't have an epidural with her births...so tell me lady, why the &%#$ can you do it, but I can't? Hm? I called my doula, who reminded me it wasn't too late to switch (nearing 31 weeks) so I set out to do my research.

It was then that I discovered the wonderful world of midwifery. Why in the world I hadn't read about midwives attending hospital births is beyond me. I thought they were only for home births, and while it crossed our minds, I just didn't feel that it was for us (and our home was half-way through construction). So now I'm excited and I get a recommendation for a couple of different midwives at nearby hospitals. (BTW, the hospital I would have originally delivered at does not have any attending midwives). Apparently folks were randy in August, because neither hospital could take any new patients due in May. So a little bit of panic sets in as I am getting closer to that 40 week mark. Everyone online, including our doula, recommended a midwife group that's about an hour away (up to 2 in our lovely Chicago traffic). My husband fully supported us checking them out because he is awesome and wanted what would be best for me and our baby. So I emailed the group, and the response from the head midwife was the first sign that I thought I'd like it there. She responded like a human being, not a sheep just worried about covering her own wooly arse. Yay!

So, we go to a consult with her and we both left feeling a huge sense of relief and set up our first appointment with West Suburban Midwives in Oak Park. This is also a "rotating practice" with 4 midwives, but knowing they all shared in our beliefs and only have a 10% c-section rate, made me totally comfortable. We'd be driving a few hours to get there and back every week up until the birth, but it felt worth it and we didn't hesitate to switch at 31 weeks. (I will still say that it was definitely worth it). That night, or maybe the next day, I emailed our doula to let her know we made the switch and she emailed me back telling me she was doing a happy dance and was so excited and relieved that they were able to take me. It was a wonderful feeling to have so much support and like I finally had a "birthing team" like I'd read about. Before switching, I felt like it was Team Duda vs Team Intervention.

We had to drive to an appointment with a CNM (certified nurse midwife) each week because I switched so late and they wanted to get to know me before the birth (and I them). Every appointment felt like chatting with a supportive friend and I never once felt that they were in a rush to move on to the next patient. Sometimes, the wait time could be long (and I only bring this up because I have read it about them in a few reviews), but I am assuming it is because of the wonderful conversation they have with their patients that I would happily trade for that extra wait time now and then. 

The midwives deliver at a hospital with regular labor/delivery rooms as well as what they call the ABC, or Alternative Birthing Center. This tour made us feel even better (and while I do not want to pass judgment, we found it interesting that everyone on this tour was a very healthy weight and highly energetic, while at our original hospital tour, everyone except me and one other woman was dangerously overweight and a few needed wheelchairs at 20 weeks). The ABC rooms are for women who do not want an epidural and are set up more like a hotel room with a large tub for laboring and birthing. (I LOVED the idea of laboring in the water but wasn't set on a water birth, though I wanted to keep my options open and just let things unfold...which unlike some hospitals, was allowed!).

In order to use these rooms, they require that first time moms take a birthing class, like Informed Beginnings or the Bradley Method. We chose an Informed Beginnings class nearby with Natural Birth Geneva. Because we were pretty far along and had done TONS of research up to this point, there were many things that were review, which never hurts. But, it was great to be surrounded by people who shared your beliefs and to have someone to talk with face to face and later classes taught us a LOT, so I do definitely recommend it. This was one of the ways my reasons for wanting natural birth evolved. Learning more and more about what exactly they want to give you and why got our natural birth hopes set in stone. The "cascade of interventions," was scary and I refused to fall into it. And although I did end up needing a little bit of intervention, I stayed strong and with the help of my birth team, did not need or accept more. The more information and affirmation, the better!

I began my maternity leave (and stopped teaching since my leave took me into the summer and I'm now a work-at-home mom) at 37 weeks and our class ended only a few days before my EDD (estimated due date) because our instructor was awesome enough to combine a couple of classes to fit us in. So we had our midwives, doula, hospital, and education. We finally just had Team Let's Do This! At 40 weeks and a few days, we waited patiently while folks around us got antsy. At 41 weeks we had an ultrasound to check my fluid levels and everything looked great. At 41 weeks and 5 days, contractions began...



***Check back or, better yet, subscribe to read Part 2: The Birth! including photos and to find out why it didn't exactly go according to plan.***

This is a subject I am very passionate about and always open to discussing! If you have comments or questions, please feel free to leave them below. Or if you feel more comfortable, you can message me through my facebook page.

$75 Gift Certificate Giveaway - Baby's Own Room

Welcome to the $75 Gift Card Giveaway from Baby's Own Room!!! Hosted by: Everything Mommyhood Sponsored by: Baby's Own Room

"Thanks to my wonderful co-hosts My Four Littles and Fun With Four as well as the wonderful group of bloggers that are sharing this giveaway with their readers as well!" - Everything Mommyhood

______________________________

I'm super excited to be sharing this giveaway will all of my readers! I'm very grateful for the following I have gained over the past month and hope I can bring you more posts and giveaways that will be helpful to you & your family :)

______________________________

Baby's Own Room is an online retailer that sells super cute, stylish, modern, and classic bedding and room decor. They sell many different brand bedding sets such as Sweet Jojo Designs, Cotton Tale Designs, and Whistle and Wink. Their customer service is exceptional with no hassle returns.

Check out Everything Mommyhood's Sweet Jojo Designs Happy Pink Owl Bedding Set Review for a toddler bed as well as a twin bed!

Baby's Own Room has a variety of Kids and Teen Bedding for boys and girls.

 

They also have Baby Bedding for boys, girls, and gender neutral sets, as well as Toddler Bedding.  

They even sell Room Accessories, Crib Conversion Kits, and Cribs! Baby's Own Room is your one stop shop for everything kids. The best part is, all of their prices are affordable and they offer FREE SHIPPING on ALL orders, NO MINIMUMS!!!

Now for the giveaway!!! One lucky reader will win a $75 Gift Card to Baby's Own Room! US Residents, 18 and up only! All winning entries will be verified. Winner will be picked randomly via the Giveaway Tools entry form, and will be emailed. They will have 48 hours to claim their prize before a new winner is chosen. Giveaway begins 9/1/2013 at 12am EST and ends 9/21/2013 at 11:59pm EST. GOOD LUCK!!!

Entry-Form

Disclosure: This blog and Everything Mommyhood are not responsible for prize shipment, as this is a sponsored prize. We were not compensated in any way for promotion of this giveaway. Everything Mommyhood received the above mentioned review item, in exchange for an honest review. Our opinions are not influenced in any way. Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and any other social media are not affiliated with this giveaway. If you have any questions please contact the host of this giveaway, Everything Mommyhood.

Third Trimester Reflections & Advice

We are now well into our "fourth trimester" and things are starting to settle down and we're getting into our parenting groove. So now I have some time to begin blogging again and want to pick up where I left off. I will be doing a review/giveaway for Woolzies dryer balls soon so stay tuned!

As I sit here writing this, it's hard to even remember my third trimester, so thankfully I took notes! Our little man (yes a boy, not a girl...but that's for another post) arrived 15 days post date so I got to enjoy some extra time being pregnant. I truly mean that...while I was excited for our little one to arrive, I loved being pregnant (as I mention in my last post) and while it did get more uncomfortable towards the end, I was pretty lucky in that area. So here are the points I made note of in the last days of my pregnancy:

• I did start to get uncomfortable, but my advice is to keep moving!
• Sitting started to get uncomfortable and caused my back and pelvis to hurt and sitting made it worse. Sitting in a hard chair seemed to hurt my circulation and caused swelling in my ankles (mostly my right).
• Rest when you need to, but light walking and staying active (if you're "allowed" to) helped me.
• Drink lots of water and put your feet up if you notice swelling (remember to contact your Dr. or CNM if it is sudden or severe!)
• Clothes will become harder to find in the final weeks. I am pretty small, so I made due with a lot of non-maternity tops (I just got larges or wore empire waste style tops). I did need maternity pants, but also wore some regular by using the good ol' hair tie technique. But in my last couple weeks of work (weeks 37-39) I had a really hard time finding clothes that would fit over my belly, and I wasn't going to spend money on clothes I only needed for a few weeks. I made due with rotating the same few maternity tank tops I'd gotten from Gap on clearance and different cardigans. I also stopped worrying about dressing up as much as I normally would...I figured people would understand.
• In that last week approaching my due date, I wasn't working so I had some time to reflect while I was working on getting things ready for baby. I remember having a moment that I'm sure included tears where it hit me how fast the past 40 weeks had flown by. I had moments where I got upset thinking "If 9 months of pregnancy went by this quickly, we'll blink and our baby won't be a baby anymore!" Hormones didn't help that one. 
• I have taught myself since to take time out and soak in the moments and then move on being happy and content that I was present in those moments. There's no point living in the past and thinking that "time flying by" is sad. We'd all be depressed if we felt that way. Get off your phone or your iPad and enjoy your time. Truly soak it in and take advantage of it and you'll have no regrets about time.
• Remember that this is your baby and you have no obligation to cater to others' needs right now (perhaps unless you already have children). 
• This may sound harsh, but if you are honest with yourself in these moments you will be happier in the long run. Set boundaries early on about when you want to start having visitors after the baby arrives. For me, establishing this early on relieved a lot of stress. You're allowed to be selfish right now. It was very important for me that my mom be at the birth, and that no one else other than my doula and husband (and midwife and nurses). You don't want to have any reservations in labor or pushing. It was also important to us that we had time together as a new family to relax and bond so we waited until we were home to have additional visitors, and really it was much better because we were all more comfortable at home as opposed to our little recovery room. Figure these things out in advance so you don't have to stress about it while you are recovering from birth. If someone isn't understanding of what you want or need, it is not your problem.
• This one depends on your school of thought. I believe a woman's body knows what to do when it comes to birth and that we shouldn't mess with nature. I delivered at 42 weeks (or 41 because my midwives and I both thought my due date was off). 
• Since we live in a world of rushing things along and highly medicalized births, I had people asking me about induction and "where's that baby?" shortly after I hit 40 weeks. I would simply respond with, "It will happen when it was meant to, I'm not being induced" and they'd get the hint. Anyone who knew me at all knew that anyways. 
• Then there are the people who are just so excited for your baby that they may not realized how you feel. If you have gone past your due date, then you get it. My doula will tell you that I was incredibly patient. I was relaxed and knew stress would not help me or my baby. So I waited. While I was patient and enjoying my last days of pregnancy, I had moments where I got upset and had a bit of doubt that maybe my body wouldn't do what it's supposed to. Maybe I'm not woman enough. Those feelings suck, and anyone who is insensitive to them can kiss my big pregnant @$$. Call me over emotional (or...ahem, pregnant) but if you call me or my baby late you are implying that we don't know what we're doing. Sweetly asking how I'm feeling is another thing (I don't want anyone who did so to feel bad after reading this!). 
• If you go post date (which most women do), remember that due dates are an estimate and remind people of that. It's a bell curve from 38-42 weeks. You aren't actually "late" until you go past 42 and unless there is a real reason you need to deliver earlier, don't let your doc push it. There has been recent research showing that inducing or sectioning women early has adverse effects. Again...I don't like messing with nature. This is just my opinion :)
• If/when people ask if you're just ready to get the baby out or the like, be honest with yourself. First of all...many women don't get to carry to term. That last trimester and those last weeks are important, so be grateful if you begin having those thoughts. I wasn't feeling like I was ready to be done being pregnant until the very end. And it was NOT because I was sick of it or just wanted the baby out of me (I'm sorry but I have issues with those statements). It was genuinely because I wanted to meet and hold my baby and approaching 42 weeks I knew issues could begin to arise. I knew I'd miss pregnancy and wanted to cherish those last moments.
• I actually began to look forward to the pain of contractions in the last days leading up to my due date so that I'd know they were real. And I was honestly looking forward to labor and birth the entire pregnancy. Even after laboring on pitocin without pain meds (later post) and pushing for close to 3 hours, I look forward to doing it again.
• As far as nesting goes, I felt it leading up to my due date, but not quite as much after so that "sign of labor" did not apply to me. I was very productive tying up loose ends and cleaning/organizing (as much as I could under construction) in the week before my EDD. I didn't pack my hospital bag until 2 days before. I realized this was probably for the same reason I didn't write my wedding vows until 2am the morning of the wedding. I have to clear my head of details before I can focus on something meaningful. (I even used to have to clean my room before I could sit down and write a big paper). To me, packing our bags was very final compared to washing baby clothes and buying diapers.

So pregnant ladies, soak it in and enjoy it. When you are uncomfortable (which you will be), remember that many women struggle to conceive or can't carry a baby, or they don't carry to term. Remember that this is a blessing and the greatest thing you will ever do. It won't make the discomfort go away, but it will remind you of your priorities and help with your mental state. At least it did for me. 

Second Trimester Reflections

Now that our second trimester has come to a close, I'm going to attempt to slow down time for a moment and reflect...I can't believe we get to meet our little angel in 11 1/2 weeks! I can't explain the excitement.

Our 23 week photo went missing :(

What I have learned in the past 12 weeks:

• A woman's body is truly an amazing machine.
• Feeling your baby kick and squirm around is THE sweetest thing in the world (at least until she is here!).
• I could seriously be entertained for hours just laying there and watching my belly move while dreaming about our lives ahead (and hearing the Jaws theme in my head from time to time). 
• I'm one of the lucky ones. Other than some fairly intense stretching pains on occasion, I have basically breezed through this pregnancy thus far. Despite having lower back pain in the past, I haven't during pregnancy. I don't get heartburn (which is awesome because I crave buffalo chicken at times...but that's nothing new). I haven't "gotten sick" once, although there were a couple of close calls. I do get in bad moods, but am able to recognize them and give Nick a warning (love you!), and those have subsided now...I think. 
• I love my husband. Of course I already knew this, but when he holds my belly and talks to the baby and I get to think about him being a dad wrapped around the finger of his little girl, it makes my heart melt.
• Having a cold during pregnancy can really stink. There is a list of meds you can take during pregnancy, but I refused. We like to live as purely as possible. A couple of days home on the couch with hot water + organic lemon juice + local honey nursed me back to health. 
• Building a registry can be as stressful as it is exciting. There is just so much "stuff" and it's hard to narrow down to the necessities and keep the somewhat minimalist lifestyle we live. Thanks to some awesome facebook friends' suggestions, I'm pretty confident in our registry. Gotta love Target! 
• I never thought I'd be so excited about diapers. But, we've been building up a cloth stash and I'm super excited for some reason. Maybe it's the thought of saving $1500 on diapers. (For those of you who are still picturing the old school cloth diapers...click the image below to have your world changed. Get it? I made a funny.)

• I'm pretty darn strong, but not as "independent woman" as I thought. A big thanks to the ladies I have reached out to for advice. The thought of hiring a doula to assist our birth has eased a lot of anxiety that built up after the hospital tour. I'm stuck in the middle of having a hospital birth and loving the idea of birthing at home, but we are doing a natural hospital birth because despite any anxiety a hospital may cause, I think it gives me more comfort than staying home. I'll do the majority of the labor at home, and we'll head to the hospital later on.
• That being said, I'm not afraid of the birth. We are shooting for all-natural and intervention free, but I am not afraid of the pain. That's not because I'm naive to what it may feel like, of course I don't know, but I am extremely motivated. "I am woman, hear me roar." So while I may feel a bit more dependent...I feel that much more brave and awesome for growing this little miracle. 
• Either I don't get out much or look mean, because I have not been attacked by women with their belly radar on in public. Yay!
• I used to think we'd be set with just one child, but being 2/3 through the pregnancy is telling me I'm going to miss it and want to have one more. I may whine about occasional discomforts, but I am one of those who LOVE being pregnant. 

Pregnancy Dreams : Issue 1

I decided my pregnancy induced, crazy vivid dreams were entertaining enough (at least to me) to start writing down. Before pregnancy, I would dream but they'd usually fade right away and I wouldn't remember them. Now, I remember every detail in the morning and they have gotten down right weird at times. Watching Revolution and Supernatural shortly before bed probably doesn't help.

12.3.12
Since I decided to write this down later in the day, I have forgotten all of the tiny details, but it was weird nonetheless.

Dream number one:
I was sitting on our couch watching TV and had a glass in my hand that was full of Bailey's, but I'd drank half of it. Then Nick walks in the room and seeing him flashed me back to reality and I flipped out. "Oh my God! What am I doing? I'm pregnant!" and so on. I believe it also involved me immediately getting online to research what half a glass of Bailey's would do. I woke up stressed out and very thankful that it was a dream! As I do with just about all of them.

Dream number two: This one is really fuzzy, but was so stressful and weird. We were somewhere (which looked somewhat like the Sons of Anarchy clubhouse) and were being held hostage.

12.12.12
Dream number one: 
We were at a town home for a party of some kind. And it was one of those dreams where no one looked like themselves. Like I was me, but didn't look like me. Nick was Nick, but looked nothing like him. Strange. And there was a neighbor that was out in his back yard dancing and was either actually a monster or just dressed like one. He sort of looked like the Maenad from True Blood. Then all of a sudden, one of the guys at the party got mad at him and ran towards him, leading to a tackle. Took him out right at the knees. Then of course the crazy neighbor started fighting back. It ended up in the garage of the town house (may have been ours in the dream) and I ended up calling 911 because I thought they were going to kill each other. The dispatcher sounded very uninterested and couldn't understand what I was saying. Eventually they just stopped and the Maenad dude ran back home....sooo weird.

Dream number two:
There was a woman who I apparently knew and she was very pregnant. I guess I'd signed up to be her midwife and deliver her baby at home. Through the whole dream I knew what I was doing and she was happy with me. Then when she went into labor, I suddenly knew nothing and the woman didn't want me around and called in another midwife at the last second who delivered her baby while she was on the floor of her bedroom. All I heard was one "push" from the midwife, a fairly quiet scream grouped with a sigh of relief from the mom, and then the baby cried. Suddenly Nick was there and we were just standing out in the hallway waiting. Again, strange. I don't remember ever seeing either of these women before.

Pregnancy Brain

I would consider myself to be someone who has quite a bit of common sense. I'm a regular ol' MacGyver. I'd heard of "pregnancy brain" before and thought it had more to do with being overwhelmed. Overwhelmed = forgetting things. It happens to the best of us, pregnant or not. But boy was I wrong...hormones it is! Not to mention the clumsiness of being a little off kilter once you start showing (due to your center of gravity changing). Most days I find it entertaining and think everyone should feel the freedom to laugh at themselves. Occasionally though, you just feel like an idiot who's completely lost her mind and you break down. Also hormones, balled up with some frustration. And then I eat something sweet, take a nap, and all is well again!

So here's a running list of my pregnancy brain moments (encouraged by my friend, Diana over at The Wolf Den). This list (and whole blog) is a way for us to look back at all of these great memories and smile. It's also a way to entertain you and make all of the pregnant ladies who are losing their minds feel a bit better.

• There have been several cases of me thinking things have happened when they didn't. For example, I could have sworn that the hubs set up an appointment with a daycare for a tour so I added it to the calendar. This was followed by him asking me if I'd talked to them to set the appointment. I could have sworn he did! Being the awesome husband that he is, he set an appointment right away so we could get it on the calendar for real. Maybe I'm not losing my mind...maybe I am just improving my ESP. Mom's need that right?
• Nick came home to me getting dinner ready and asked what was burning. Confidently, I say "Oh it must just be the crumbs in the bottom of the toaster oven" and I go about my business. Then I turn around to see the pan of cut up potatoes that I thought were in the oven. So the burning smell was a result of those crumbs being the only things cooking. Oy!
• We showed up to a doctor appointment a day early (this one triggered and "I can't stand feeling like an idiot" breakdown). 
• I could have sworn my evaluation at work was a day earlier than it was originally scheduled for. Better early than late though! 
• Sticky notes are my new best friend. My students ask me for something that I say I will get for them the next day (usually some type of tutorial or photo that needs printing) and then the next day it takes me awhile to remember what they heck they were talking about. Poor things. Sticky notes have fixed that problem! 
• I run into door jams and trip over my own feet all of the time! This has gotten better as I'm adjusting, but at first (around 12-14 weeks) I was a total klutz. 

I'll add more as they happen. It may not seem that bad, but I am not used to being an airhead. More has happened I'm sure, but these are the ones that stick out at the moment. I am going to keep better track if for nothing else than my own amusement.